Anna Petrova and the Extradition nightmare

Anna Petrova was born in the summer of 1976 in the former Soviet Socialist Republic of the Ukraine. A natural dancer and light on her feet, her maternal grandfather, Andre Maldovavich, often called her “steppie” in reference to her delightful talents in ballet and nearly every performance art that she was exposed to. Times were very different in Soviet Era Russia, and at age six, she was taken from her family to be enrolled in the shining star of national pride, the Vaganova Ballet Academy. There she worked tirelessly to perfect her skills in dance and quickly rose to the top of her class, landing a leading role in the Nutcracker suite, a personal favorite of hers, and of her grandfather, who had followed her to Moscow. Within two years she had exceeded all expectations and supplanted the headmistress of the academy, being the world’s youngest educator in the field of dance. It was a risky move for a child of only eight, and perhaps a premature one.
The students became restless, not caring for the instruction of one who was in many cased 10-20 years younger than the other students, and who likewise, had a busy schedule of leading roles to perform, that often distracted her from her students. Anna worked relentlessly and for 15 years managed the Vaganova Balley Academy to the surprise and astonishment of her countrymen, taking it to new heights through her innovative use of hoola-hoops, and fireworks. Alas, she grew weary of the 36 hour days and sought retirement at age 23.
She found peace in a small farming community just south of her home town of Kyiv. By this time many of the barriers present during the height of the empire had been replaced as the Ukraine and other soviet republics opened their borders and policies, and she seized the opportunity to travel abroad. She made her way through Europe, performing reprisals of her earlier plays and revivals with local companies, and for a time she was satisfied. But her dreams carried her to France, where she fell in love with the language, the people, and the pastries. Anna chose fit at this point to change her name to Stephanie, in remembrance of her grandfather, and opened a local shop. She enjoyed a relatively quiet life until she was forced to exit the country due to some confusion over the origin of several pounds of butter, and was extradited to the United States.

Miss Cha-Cha

Born in a lively cultural district in downtown Buenos Aries, Marilyn has always felt two things, a sublime connection with her fellow man, and the rhythm of the music. An all star Ballroom Dance competitor by age 12, Marilyn set the international stage on fire with her innovative use of Limbo in competitive Salsa dancing. Unfortunately, her dreams of global superstardom were tragically cut short when she met the maximum age limit for her Junior Miss Cha-Cha Team at age 15. She was devastated, and with her mother, father, and 3 siblings, Tori, Franz, and Gertrude, moved to Rio, where she was free to experiment with her dancing. Progress was slow in the formative years, but after teaming up with a fellow competitor (the Chiquita Banana Lady) she made incredible strides forward in both graceful movement, and fashionable edible headdress.
In the autumn of her 35th year, Marilyn decided to reinvent herself, and spent six months backpacking through Central America, learning about the people, the cuisine, the dancing, and she began to fall in love more than ever, with the coffee. She tasted the coffee sometimes only mere feet from where it was grown, sharing in the harvest she would often help collect, as she made her way north, working on the land. Years later she would comment that this had been the start of what would ultimately lead her to her “perfect fit”.  
Sadly, her treks north had not led to financial prosperity, and upon entry to the US, was forced to reinvent herself once again, this time as a Securitized Mortgage Investment Broker. Times were good, but that rhythm of human expression was still missing, and after her time in the insurance and investment industry, she was ready to move on.
It was around that time that Marilyn discovered and Amateur Latin Dance Competition at her local coffee shop. Even rusty, she brought in the gold, and was immediately offered a position as Dancing Lead. She could not resist, her two passions now entwined.

Monique and Mr. Mistoffelees

Born in Brooklyn, New York in the summer of 1987 to a family of 70 brothers and 85 sisters, Monique knew at a young age that it would be important to find own way in life. As a child with no shortage of playmates, she was often the more outspoken in the group, and by age six had even produced several stage productions on Broadway. The theatre suited Monique, who performed under the stage name Galatia, and by age 11 she had already established herself as a major player in the Big Apple. Unfortunately, as many stories often go for young stars, the majority of the profits from her early stardom went to support the family, which had now grown to 600 people. Having worked tirelessly at one of her many passions, only to find her revenues gone and theatre attendance diminishing, Monique looked to her idol and long time friend Madonna, who suggested it was time to for a reinvention.
Taking what little cash she had stuffed into an alligator shaped piggy-bank, she fled New York at age 15 and headed west to seek out a new life. Traveling her way through state after state, she by luck ran into an old friend from the musical production of cats, Mr. Mistoffelees, who had himself journeyed west to find a life outside of the lime light. He had become famous at this point for his skills as a jockey under the name Bob Villa, and was in search of a replacement rider for one of his horses entered into the Kentucky Derby. As so many things in life do, all the pieces seemed to fall in place, and Moniqua (a name she had taken to running under) soon found herself placing in race after race.
Fame is of course a fickle friend, and having journeyed so long to escape the paparazzi already, she was not ready to enter into the realm of the ultra-famous again so soon. It was then that Moniqua chose to focus on one of her passions that she would never become famous for, cleanliness. She journeyed westward, keeping her identity secret, but finding odd jobs tidying and putting her skills of incredible fastidiousness into practice. It was then that Moniqua found the restaurant industry, a place where she could be as clean as she wanted, and make her environment sparkle, without gaining any notoriety.

Delia von Wannemaker

Michelle’s story is a “rags to riches” tale. Born Delia von Wannemaker, an only child in 1918’s Hamburger, Germany, she was no stranger to hardship. Germany was in the dark grips of economic depression, and in 1922, loose fiscal policies and quantitative easing led to massive currency devaluations. Michelle would later reflect on these days with mixed feelings, as it was the time when food and clothing were hard to come by, but she always had plenty of cash on hand for paper mache projects. Delia’s childhood interest in arts and crafts helped gain her notoriety in a country deeply in need of a positive icon and she was selected as a top national representative sent to the 1929 World’s Fair in Seville, Spain. There she exhibited the most ambitious attempt ever in the history of the World’s fair, still holding the record for the largest collection of Paper Mache Animals. She is still regarded to this day as a rule breaker, in allowing the exhibit to be interactive, staged as a petting zoo.
Seeing the direction of the country, her parents saw the opportunity to defect and remained in Spain as political refugees, speaking openly against the German Chancellor’s anti-paper mache policies and glue rationing. Spain was a wonderful place for 17 year old Delia, it was here that she learned the dances of the culture, which would later greatly impact her artistic style, and add the great sense of motion to her pieces (See Smithsonian). But the joys could not last forever, and after only 8 short years, with Europe on the brink of war, Delia used what moneys should could muster from the sale of her treasured Paper Mache Petting Zoo, and chartered a mid-sized shipping barge to take herself, her remaining pieces, and her parents to Canada.
The journey was exceptionally long, and in fact took 16 years. Luckily, many of her experimental pieces had been edible. Once ashore, Delia found herself a celebrity, having gained fame for her resistance to war, and her sudden disappearance, and found it necessary to assume a new identity. Donning the name, Mustang Sally, she quickly learned that she needed to quite the practice of art all together, or she would be identified regardless of pseudonym.
Mustang then fled Quebec under cover of darkness to avoid the throngs of crazed paparazzi, and hitching a ride with a western going Amish family, “Michelle” finally found herself. It was the simple pleasures of butter churning, and canning fruits and vegetables that really excited her as they traveled the byroads and back ways of the US highway system.
Eventually, she made her way to Phoenix, where after a series of terrible real estate investments, Michelle was obliged to re-enter the workforce.

Our Imagined Youth

We should dance,
not the quadrille or a polka,
nor any fancy step,
but simply, like we used to
when we were young, 
and frivolous. 
Those times when the music
was so loud,
it came up on all sides
and pounded fiercely in our ears.
There was no formula,
no pattern,
to how we felt it then,
but with our face to sky
and tightly shuttered eyes
we spun, 
our arms outstretched.
And with the hair
across our cheeks
you sweetly did collapse
in that white dress,
warm and laughing.

Karen The Fraudulent

Born on the small, predominantly agrarian and mining centric planet Toupee somewhere in the vicinity of Beetlejuice, young Valknar spent her formative years shuttling ore and other minerals from the Galium-Arsenide Mines of Ursa Major to nearby spaceports. Galactic Free Trade and Equality Statutes (or GFTES /gaff-tys/) had not yet been ratified by the Imperial Senate, so Valknar had little recourse against the often predatory pricing of large commodities traders. Like so many dispirited young Toupeebians, she found her small business startup was struggling against the mega-giants of corporate finance, but she worked tirelessly to ensure delivery of her ore. This, of course, was not to be, and it was not long before Valknar was coaxed into smuggling operations for the Rebellion. Dodging danger at every turn, and leaping to hyperspace quite frequently without clearance from the Inter-spacial Transit Authority. Eventually, she lost her license to fly, and her business met the same end that all small startups around the galaxy meet when economies of scale outstrip the benefits of local businesses, and she burned it to the ground to cash in a sizable and suspicious insurance policy.

This would mark the beginning of a string of insurance scandals that would follow Valknar across the universe, the most notable of which was of course, in December 5194, when Valknar convinced a confused insurance salesman to insure an entire planet, which shortly thereafter, was consumed suddenly by a supernova sun. To this day Valknar is banned from owning insurance policies on any civilized planets in the known galaxy, and remains similarly the most heavily reimbursed policy-holder of all time.

It is at this point in our story that Earth enters the picture. A relatively insignificant planet at the outer fringes of the galaxy, had never made any attempt to join the Galactic Consortium for Trade, or send any delegations to the Imperial Senate, despite having been visited several times. It was for this reason that Earth's inhabitants had been left undisturbed for more or less 10,000 years to continue chasing after large furry mammals with tusks. All except for one shady character with whom Valknar was well acquainted. Her long time fiancée and fellow smuggler during the early days of the rebellion, Jeff, had for some time been attempting to rile up the creatures of Earth by drawing doodles in corn fields and abducting farm animals. So far, his attempts to communicate had been unsuccessful, but in so doing, he had discovered that the miracle of insurance had come to the poeples of Earth, who by a happy coincidence are identical to Toupeebians with the notable exception that they do not wobble from side to side when they walk.

The opportunity was too good to pass up, Karen (as Valknar translates to in English) settled in Phoenix, which her slightly misinformed friend had related to be the insurance capital of the world. This confusion led to a distancing between the two that has seen no end. Karen continues to arrange hail storms and the like to remain well cared for by insurance companies, and can be found biding her time until the next shuttle comes, here. 

FlapJack the Great

Danny “Flap-jack” 

Born in 1654 in Oliver Cromwell's England, Elsa and Edward Fjord, were keen to keep their child a secret from the pervading socio-political environment. Being a student of the old ways, Elsa raised her son as she had been brought up, in Druid tradition, to be a time traveling wizard. Gifted and bored by the local political rivalries, young Danny dreamed of the colonies, and the intrigue they might offer. European forest had been widely cleared of magical creatures and faeries by the time he reached 18 years old, and with his parents permission, he donned a shimmering green cloak one late winter solstice eve, and began the journey that would live on in the dreams of children forever.

Teleporting from the family cave in Gluecestershire, he arrived in 1692 Salem Massachusetts. He found the people charming, but a little closed minded. After several of his new acquaintances found themselves on trial for practicing organic gardening techniques, he quickly zapped himself a little further into the future, and into the uncharted corners of the world. Pulled off course by a vortex in Northern Arizona (which had not yet been discovered) and landing roughly in the pacific northwest, it was here that Danny found himself disconnected from his route home, having landed on his staff. He was left without the critical component to his magical endeavors and was forced to rely on his skills in potion making and hand magic.

Befriending a family of wolves, Danny spent the better part of the next century wandering forests, cataloging plants and their inherent curative abilities. It was the summer of 1885, a hot blistery afternoon, when Danny observed smoke on a nearby mountain. Having made contact with several tribes in the area, this was not unexpected, but the size of the fire concerned Danny for the wildlife, and calling forth as many four legged assistants as he could, Danny began the long hike to the peak of Mount St. Helens, where he met the source of the fire. A kindly Swedish family had settled the area with the clever idea of deforesting it for profit.

Danny, having grown tired of the life in the woods, opted to try this new scheme, and with relentless inquisitiveness, quickly established himself as a capable lumberjack. Using a combination of traditional logging styles and magical spells designed to increase his physical size, Danny was able to clear entire mountainsides with a single weekend. His enormous height made him a towering figure in local affairs, and may have been the original source for the story of Paul Bunyan written in 1910 by James MacGillivray. This of course made the resident loggers somewhat redundant, not to

mention greatly depleted their stock of wheat and oat flour with his continual insistence upon being fed only oat-cakes, or flapjacks; ultimately leading to the pact between the Swedish family and the Great Forest Spirit.

One cool winter day, while Danny was upending some particularly massive old growth trees, a fairy appeared to him and offered him a handful of snow-berries to quench his thirst. Having downed several handfuls, the fairy laughed maniacally after tricking him into eating the “food of the dead”, and went on a fairly derisive rant about Danny's behavior, which is not directly translatable from fairy. Stripping Danny of his magical powers, she sentencing him to sleep forever in the forest. It was at this point that Danny was overcome by the effects of the toxic Snowberry, and fell into a deep slumber. Over the years, he was covered by fallen plant

matter, moss and mycelium, and slowly returned to the size of a normal human in his cavern of overgrowth. This of course was the inspiration for another widely documented time traveling journalist, Washington Irving, who produced Rip Van Winkle in the summer of 1819, who cleverly released the story before the events they were based on had occurred. It was many years later before Danny would be discovered by modern anthropologists and mythological recovery teams, and given a new life. Danny can still be found earning the cash to eat lots of flap-jacks most days, at the 7-11.

Snowberry (Symphoricarpos albus)